It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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