I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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