FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
