you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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