that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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