go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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