im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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