My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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