I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
nutella sex= disaster
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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