My Higher Power is John Stamos
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
