I can text with my tongue
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
as a side note pls kill me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
