I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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