Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
