Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
do nipples grow back?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
