he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
