why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
