You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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