My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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