I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
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She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
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You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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