I want to make a zoo with you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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