You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
