So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
