JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
