I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
