Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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