Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
