John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
