woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
