i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
