Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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