i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
