Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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