Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode