i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.