Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i drank out of a bidet.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
