yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
