why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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