shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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