My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
