i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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