Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
