Dual....:-)
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
