you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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