pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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