I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
