did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
