I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
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Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
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Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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