Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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