I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
