Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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