I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
