I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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