I never want to see another naked old woman again.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
