yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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