Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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