The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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