i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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