i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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