and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
