i jhust puked up my retainher.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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