youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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